i don't like sucking hair
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
