I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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