apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
it glows. i had to have it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
