Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
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He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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