What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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