Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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