when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
