well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
