Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
