Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My liver just broke up with me...
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
