this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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