I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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