My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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