Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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