In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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