You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
