It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
