dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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