On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
