Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
