dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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