I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
