Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
