His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
