You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
