Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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