Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
