Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
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my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.