I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
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The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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