Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
