well I can't set my house on fire every night
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
