guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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