I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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