you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
