Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
My balls are so social today.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
