you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
