Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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