Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
