What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
