I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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