i don't like sucking hair
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dignity is for republicans.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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