he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize