can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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