I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
