I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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