did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
