So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
It was confusing and full of hummus
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
