did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
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You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
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I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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