I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
