the condom got lost in my hair
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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