Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
