Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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