I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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