I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
