I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
