it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
