I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
